Our worse battles aren't even real...

Do you realize how much energy and time we waste; how much harm we do to our bodies with our worrying and our thoughts and stress?

A lot.

It’s those headaches and stiff shoulders, the stomach aches, exhaustion due to lack of sleep.

Seven years ago my husband was in Mexico with his mother who was very ill. I had tickets to meet him there. At the time my oldest was eight, the youngest two. I had two stops, one in Paris and one in Chicago. It would take us two days to get there. I remember the anxiety and worrying. How was I going to travel on my own with my kids? So many technical details from snacks to pushing suitcases to how would I manage bathroom trips to the reality that I am only one person and at the time, had three children.

I asked friends for advice. I made arrangements. I technically set myself up the best that I could with whatever I could and I put in my head the knowledge that if this is what I had to do, then I could.

A deep breath, a smile on my lips, look at it as an adventure, empowered with “I’m doing something good.”

Hashem sent me angels along the way and you know what it’s not that it wasn’t so bad; it was great.

I find that this happens a lot.

Every time that we have to move. The new start. The dreaded phone call that you have to make or the fear of having to find a new job. The moment that you build up in your head and your thoughts, they are so much worse than whatever it is that will actually happen.

And for those thoughts you toss and you turn. You lose sleep and make yourself sick.

Even the thought of, “How can I live without this…. person, this community, this thing?” A person will stay with abuse and disfunction for that fear.

Thoughts about that simcha that you get to make. “How will I marry this child or pay for another year of school?” You worry and you don’t know how it’s going to be.

“What if I never….” And yet you live in the reality everyday that you don’t have or you are not… and you know, you keep living and you see that really, it’s okay. You made it through another day, didn’t you? The woman who worries for nine months, making herself sick with anxiety and worry, about the pain of birth that lasts a few hours.

Anxiety, worry, and fear about illusions and dreams.

This past spring, Purim night I answered the phone and got a phone call. My father in-law passed away. “How in the world am I going to tell my husband?” I had no idea how I would tell him, how I could, but when he walked in the door, I knew I had no other choice and I did it. It was what it was which is a part of life and in all honesty telling him was actually less frightening then the wait before he came home. So we come back to seeing over and over that the battles that we face in our minds are much worse than anything that we actually have to confront in person.

And we see Yaakov knew that he had to confront his brother, Esau and he was scared. Even with all of Hashem’s promises and reassurance he feared. As the commentators tell us he thought, “Maybe I’m not worthy of Hashem’s protection? Maybe I’m not worthy of His kindness?” He prayed, he made an effort to divide his family for fear of attack and he sent a gift to appease his brother. He was still scared. Insecurity. “Maybe I’m not good enough?” And here we see the real battle which was not between two men. But was with Yaakov and the “spirit”, the “angel” the “image” of Esau-something not tangible. In a way it was between Yaakov and the emotional, the mental, the spiritual.

Yaakov asked him his name and he didn’t have one.

Why? Because the worry doesn’t have an identity. It changes based on its mission that day. One day the spirit we battle is the worry of livelihood and one day it’s the fear of a getting sick. One day the spirit we battle is what will be with our children if we have them and what will be for those who don’t. One day it could be what will be if the electricity goes out and what will be if I get kicked out. I could name you a list of fears and worries and doubts all of which have the potential to make you physically sick.

Lo and behold Yaakov was wounded in the leg but he won the battle. In the end he was blessed. He walked away, limping, as the sun came up. He could now go on and leave those fears behind him. Armed with hope, faith, knowledge that the salvation will come. He went on.

And the actually encounter with his brother? The real face to face? It wasn’t so bad! Nothing that Esau could do could hurt him.

Nothing that anyone or anything does can hurt you, but you can destroy yourself. Hold on to your faith and the rising sun, even if you are limping. Walk on. Don’t be afraid to face whatever it is that you have to face; remember the strength that we have inherited from Yaakov as I described above. With Hashem’s help, as it is taught to us, you will be able to get through it.

But you have to believe in this and in the strengths that Hashem gives you.

Shabbat Shalom, With Blessings, Elana