Nothing is a Given

Yesterday my husband received a phone call from an old friend. It’s a man who he learned in Kollel with many years ago. Someone who, when you bump into the street you give a smile, a hug and then you move on. We always invite him to our simchas and he always comes. His wife, I became friendly with when we lived near them. We would small chat in the park and shared an intimate time together when I accompanied her in the birth of one of her sons.

Now, four years later from when we moved away from them, I have only seen her twice, once at the bar mitzvah of my son and once at the bar mitzvah of her son. That is until yesterday when my husband received the call.

Shlomit was in the hospital, for a week now, in the ICU, would I, could I, come?

I went to the hospital, a place where I am so familiar going, but this time it wasn’t to the ninth floor, to the delivery or maternity ward, this time it was a floor and a ward that I, thank G-d, had never been before. I lost my way and walked up and down the corridors with a bag of home cooked food in hand. At last I found her room.

My G-d, Shlomit looked terrible, so pale, so weak and so fragile. Her husband greeted me with a smile and blessing, he looked so old. Shlomit is a mother of seven, or is it eight now? She’s four years younger than me and usually full of life. What was going on with this young woman? They don’t know.

I was shocked.

I mean really shocked.

So many thoughts run through one’s head in these moments.

There is a known teaching of the Sages that, “Even if one reached his hand into his pocket to take out three coins, but two coins came up in his hand, it is considered a form of suffering ( ערכין 16ב).” I always understood this to mean that a person should take any suffering that they have, even the smallest one and with this you say, “Thank G-d it was just a small thing, let this small suffering atone for any sins that I did and be in place of any suffering that I might have received.”

But yesterday I saw this teaching in a different light.

It’s a suffering that comes when you have an expectation. You thought you would get three or that you had three or that you deserve three and you get less. You know a young mother and you expect her to be full of life, of vigor, of strength. You expect someone to be able to live a long, fulfilled life, watch their children grow up, see grandchildren. You expect to get married, to find a job, to have a salary, to have a family. You expect and you expect and then you “get less”. What a suffering!

Meaning a life of suffering comes when we have expectations and they are not fulfilled. When we have plans and these plans are not “the plan” of G-d.

This is suffering.

What can we do to counter this suffering? Should we expect disaster? The worst? Should we live a life that doesn’t demand a goal or any motivation? No, I don’t think so. BUT, as I ran around the corridors looking for Shlomit’s room I realized that I can’t take for granted that when each time I come to a hospital it’s to assist a woman in a joyous occasion, a birth. I can’t take for granted my health or anyone’s health for that matter, the strength that it takes to raise a family and go to work. I can’t take all those blessings that I have in my life, what a person might think is a “right to passage” like a family, livelihood, a place to sleep, food to eat, friendships, clothing and expect them to be.

Aharon HaCohen, the high priest, lost his two precious sons. After this happened the Torah accounts that Aharon “was silent”. He just lost two prized sons who had so much potential. He had four sons, four coins in his pocket and now there were two. And he was silent? No anger? No yelling, no being upset for something that seemed so unfair? For this silence the commentators say that Aharon received reward. Why? Why couldn’t he be angry? Why shouldn’t he feel that it was so, so unfair?

Maybe he did. I don’t know. But his reaction was one of, “I understand. There are no expectations. Nothing is a given. The way Hashem wants us to serve Him is not always the way that we want to serve Him or we think that we should be serving Him.” Reward for accepting what is and not feeling angry at what there isn’t or can’t be.

There is a section in our daily prayers that is for thanksgiving (Modim in the Amida prayer). I have heard from many great people that when saying this section of the prayer it is a good idea to think of something new each time that you are grateful for. I follow this advice and it’s changed my life.

We have so many expectations in our life. For ourselves, for our families, for the way we want things to go and people to behave. Expectations and when it’s not G-d’s plan to have our life go according to these expectations, we suffer greatly. Instead of suffering, maybe we can work more and more on gratitude and appreciating each precious breath that we take on this planet.

May these words be for a refuah Shlomit bat Ksenia