Right Now NOT Normal IS Normal
I can guarantee you, without haven’t to look into anyone’s keyhole to peep into their home, that everyone is having a moment. A moment of doubt, of stress, of anxiety or worry. A moment of, “What will be?” “I can’t take this anymore.” “I need quiet, I need space- to be alone!” For those of us to blessed to be with their families. And a moment of “I need contact, I need people.” For those on their own.
Yes, if I could peep into everyone’s homes right now I can imagine that there would be a lot going on. Or maybe nothing going. In either scenario I am sure that there are moments of stress, moments of doubt, moments of difficult moments. Moments of humbling helplessness that feels terrible for some and maybe freeing for others? Who knows?
We are doing things that maybe, because of stress, we don’t want to be doing. We are saying things that maybe, because of the circumstances, we don’t want to be saying. For sure we are thinking things that because of the situation we don’t want to be thinking.
I am going to tell you something…it’s NORMAL!
It’s normal because we are all living in a situation that is NOT normal. It is a situation of stress and one that lacks routine and order. There is uncertainty and yes, there is reason to experience anxiety and feel worry.
It’s normal that children fight and that even the person you love most in the world gets on your nerves. Especially when you are with them 24 hours a day. It’s normal to feel helpless and uncomfortable about relying on others because you ARE helpless and it IS uncomfortable. It’s normal to worry about money when you don’t have any work and are waiting with curiosity on how it will come. It’s normal to worry about the health of a loved one or yourself if G-d forbid illness is in the air.
Whatever we can do to empower ourselves, encourage ourselves, calm ourselves, bring out the best in ourselves for SURE we should be putting in the effort and to be doing, and that being said there also is a part of us that has to understand that…it’s totally and completely NORMAL in these circumstances, in these times, to feel NOT normal.
In this week’s Parsha, Tazria, we are introduced to the woman who gave birth. The Torah tells us that after birth there is a waiting period -purification period. The healing process takes time. Then she brings an offering. The Sages in the Gemara (Niddah 31b) discuss this offering and say that a woman must bring an offering as an atonement for breaking the vow she impulsively made when in pain during childbirth to never have more children.
Now, I am a trauma therapist who specializes in birth trauma. I am also a doula, and a child birth educator. I have been on hundreds of births with women and in my clinic, I have seen hundreds and hundreds of pregnant women and women postpartum. Women before, during and after their birthing experience and I can tell you that just as there are hard and difficult labors where the woman might have a thought, “I am not doing this again,” I have also seen and heard about countless and countless of BEAUTIFUL births! Yes, wonderful, calm experiences, even ones that were also long and difficult where the woman on a high and bursting with energy has turned to me and said, “I can’t wait to do this again!”
How is that possible? Do they really both exist? Yes. And in all births, even the ones that are calm and “easy”, whatever that means, I can almost guarantee that there is a point, at least one moment, when the woman does think, “I can’t do this.” Or, “I don’t want to do this.” Or even, “Not again…”
Why?
Because it’s NORMAL.
The Torah comes to show us that it’s NORMAL.
A woman who gives birth a dozen times will only have a dozen such experiences. Meaning to that woman, birth does not happen every day. It’s something unknown. She’s vulnerable. She feels scared. That’s NORMAL. Birth is a normal moment of stress, of worry, of feelings of helplessness.
And again, what does the Torah tell us-what lesson can we learn and apply now to our current situation from this woman who gave birth and must rectify an impulsive vow? In a NOT your everyday normal experience, it is NORMAL to experience thoughts of…doubt, of worry, of stress. Yes, you might think or you might say something that you really didn’t want to think or want to say.
It’s okay.
There is a tikkun, a reparation. The woman afterbirth heals. She needs time, for sure it is a process. And then she realizes that her feelings at the time of birth were only temporary. They were (valid) feelings, not the reality. She goes through a process of releasing them and living in her present moment. She does bring an offering. She goes through a process and then she moves on.
Let’s try as hard as we can during this time to grow and to
learn, to see the beauty and the light of being together or being alone. Even the beauty of feeling helpless (NOT HOPELESS) and completely and totally in the Hands of the Master of the World, the ONE Who is so obviously running the show. Maybe we can, despite the challenge and the long difficult situation, the unknown, raise ourselves and see all the kindness around us and take advantage of whatever opportunities that we can to be better people not in spite of this, but because of this.
But also, let’s give each other some compassion and understanding. Let’s maybe not take other’s or even ourselves so seriously when they say something that they shouldn’t have said or we think something that we wish we hadn’t thought. Let’s try to let remember that thoughts come and they go. We are NOT our thoughts or our feelings. They come and they go. Accept them, don’t judge them, and please, don’t get stuck in them.
I can just imagine, looking into the peephole of my own. Yes, so many moments and thoughts.
It’s normal. Have compassion and understanding to others and to yourself. Try to focus that this is a passing moment. It came and with G-d’s help it will go.
Wishing everyone lots of health and strength, Shabbat Shalom and Chodesh tov, the chodesh of HEALING-IYAR (Ani H Rofecha),
Elana