Fear of FEAR

What exactly are you afraid of? Do you know?

Let’s say you do. You could give me a list. A list that I would listen to and nod and say, “I hear that. That’s valid. I understand those fears.” My next question is, “Are any of them a reality, right now?”

Are they?

I think more than 99% would answer negatively.

A handful of women came to me this week because they were told that they would have to be medically induced (for no real medical reason). They came with so many fears, but none of those fears, which were all valid and normal, were yet a reality. And they might not ever be. So much emotional and physical energy on worrying and being afraid of a maybe?

And if the maybe becomes a yes?

I think that we, with G-d’s help, would be able to handle them. At least that is what I myself am telling myself about my fears and anxiety. I tell myself that if and when the fear were to fruition into reality I will need that energy wasted on worrying and being afraid to confront it, manage it, transform it. I will have to handle that fearful reality, but then not now.

This week we saw the woman who was afraid of a medical condition that might or might not exist.

The woman who had a medical condition that might or might not change her life, or if it does, the fears where about which part of it. A big question mark and a maybe.

Let’s say that that fear was indeed a reality. Her life was, is going to be different. Could it be that the change will an open revelation of goodness and kindness? A change that will make her life so much better or easier? Or at least more meaningful and connected.

Some women they felt fear that was “in general.” I asked them if they could name the fear? The fear of facing a different life? The fear of an unknown? The fear of…the fear of fear?

There was the woman who was afraid that she would be alone for the rest of her life.

The one who was afraid that she wouldn’t be able to get over…heal from...laugh again, dance again, feel pleasure, so deep was she in her sorrow. Stuck in the past and stuck in a possible future fear.

There was the woman who was doing great, but feared that she would once again fall.

Nine months of fears for a day that will pass in a day.

Fears of failing or not being good enough. Fears that anyone on the outside would say, “Who cares anyways?” Yes, so many fears when the answer would be, “Who cares?”

Years of fears that never came to realization.

Fears that came true and the woman suddenly realized that the fears were in vain.

Wasted energy, wasted strength in battling a fear of something that might or might not be.

So what, if anything is the purpose of our fear?

Well, fear can be good as a warning sign to be weary or to be on guard of something, someone who might be dangerous.

Fear can make you walk a bit faster in a dark alleyway. It can make you wear a helmet or buckle up for safety. Yes, this type of fear is productive and safe.

Then there is another fear. A fear of not being able to control a situation. Fear that really is a hungry monster that gets bigger and bigger the more we give it “food” for thought to eat. Fear for the sake of fear.

This type of fear is so unproductive! I know, easy for me to say…let’s see what this kind of fear accomplishes…

A new king arose over Egypt, who did not know about Joseph. He said to his people, "Behold, the people of the children of Israel are more numerous and stronger than we are. Get ready, let us deal shrewdly with them, lest they increase, and a war befall us, and they join our enemies and wage war against us and depart from the land."… But as much as they would afflict them, so did they multiply and so did they gain strength…(Shemot 1:8-12)

and depart from the land: against our will. Our Rabbis, however, interpreted [i. e., depicted Pharaoh] as a person who curses himself but ascribes his curse to others. And it is as if it were written: and we will depart from the land, and they will take possession of it. [From Sotah 11a]- Rashi

But as much as they would afflict them: In whatever [way] they set their heart to afflict [them], so was the heart of the Holy One, blessed be He, to multiply [them] and to strengthen [them].-Rashi

so did they multiply and so did they gain strength: Heb. כֵּן יִרְבֶּה וְכֵן יִפְרֹץ, lit., so will they multiply and so will they gain strength. [It means, however,] so did they multiply and so did they gain strength. Its midrashic interpretation is, however: The Holy Spirit says this: You [Pharaoh] say, Lest they multiply, but I say, So will they multiply. [From Sotah 11a]- Rashi

What does it accomplish? Well, it appears that the more you fear, the more you bring that energy down into the world. The more you want to control, the less control you have.

What can we do with this fear? Because fear pushes us away from achieving anything. It paralyzes us. In Hebrew fear,פחד has the same letters as to push, לדחוף.

Now the king of Egypt spoke to the Hebrew midwives, one who was named Shifrah, and the second, who was named Puah. And he said, "When you deliver the Hebrew women, and you see on the birthstool, if it is a son, you shall put him to death, but if it is a daughter, she may live." The midwives, however, feared God; so they did not do as the king of Egypt had spoken to them, but they enabled the boys to live…. God benefited the midwives, and the people multiplied and became very strong. Now it took place when the midwives feared God, that He made houses for them (ibid 1:15-21).

Yes, what can we do with our fears? Push your fears to Hashem. Let Him take care of them and you. Use your energy to live in the moment and so, God willing, you will be able face whatever reality that He gives you.

This is dedicated to the handful of women in my life this week who are going through the trial of the unknown. May Hashem bless them with the clarity to take each moment as it comes and they should only know health and happiness.

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Many blessings for a beautiful Shabbat.

Elana