Confronting

I hope that this makes sense. I have two children home sick and am not sure if I am thinking clearly, but I still gave it a try. So here goes….

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I am on this journey. It’s a journey that I walk hand in hand with so many women around me and it’s a journey that I walk on my own. A journey of both the pain of healing, of self-discovery and the blessing that blossoms from it. A journey that takes me to a place within myself which is at times scary and unknown and at times familiar-a journey to home.

Sometimes we run away and can only concentrate on going forward. And sometimes in order to move on you must take a few steps back.

What a journey!

In the beginning of my journey there was a part of me that I

guess thought life is all this or all that. There is good and there is evil. There is a black and there is white. In my youth I didn’t understand the color spectrum of the rainbow. That black and white are an absorption, or a reflection, of every color under the sun.

And so here I am on this journey, by myself and with you and I see what was hidden had to be hidden for my good, maybe due to my lack of maturity or naivety, and what has been or will be revealed to me was and is revealed for my good.

At first a woman runs away from her pain, her trauma, her past. She doesn’t want, no I mean she can’t- confront it or recognize that it is there. In fact, dealing with it then, at that time, when she was alone and defenseless was simply too dangerous, too scary. It meant confronting a reality that alone was too painful to bear.

But over the years, with a lot of help, siyata dishamaya (Help from the Heavens), a support system, love and care, she can come back to confront it. She can face what is there.

Which is…a world that contains a spectrum of many colors that run the gamut from white to black. Sometimes we see these colors and sometimes they are hidden from our sight. It’s a world, that yes is hard to bear at times, but a world filled with goodness, healing and beauty.

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Yaacov ran away from Esav. He ran away because his mother told him to. He ran away to save his life.

He was alone and I am sure that it was scary. Time passed, he clung to the One Above, he married, had children and built a big, beautiful family. I repeat he prayed and clung to Hashem.

And then and only then, when a support system was in place, did he understand that it was the time to return. Time to come home.

Time to confront Esav. Who was Esav? His archenemy. But he also understood that this very same Esav was his brother. That there was a side of Esav that hugged him and also a side that wanted to kill him. There was now an understanding that nothing is ever simple as in all good or all bad.

The end was the same, he parted from Esav, but the difference was how and when he did it. Now he wasn’t running away, but choosing as a mature adult to make the separation. It wasn’t coming from black and white, it was coming from that spectrum of colors which is a spectrum of understanding, acceptance and healing.

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So now is where we connect the dots and I will throw in my insights of self-care…

How did Yaakov face the past and deal with those anxieties and fears? What strategy did he use to face Esav and how can we apply it to our own journey of physical, emotional, spiritual healing?

He built himself up, strategically he made a plan. That’s right, technically he set himself up. He came surrounded by his family and he strategically split them up. A person needs a good support system and to surround themselves with people who show love and care. Sometimes that support system is professional and sometimes it is not.

He armed himself. We too need arms to face our battles. We need tools. At times they are physical-medical or holistic. We need to technically build our bodies up. Could be nutrition, exercise, sleep, supplements or medication, a person should do what they can to strengthen themselves and feel good about their physical well-being.

He also sent bribes to Esav to soften him up and he humbled himself in his presence. We too need to learn how to be more flexible, how to breath and let things go. How to allow ourselves to be kind to ourselves and not feel bad or guilty about the process.

But that isn’t enough. You and I both know it. Something very important is missing. It is at the core of it all.

After doing all of this, Yaakov then needed to be “left alone”. He needed to find the strength within himself to face the final battle. He utilized his most powerful tool; he raised his voice up. He prayed and asked Hashem to help him and then he waged war with the “Angel of Esav”. He was hurt, but he won. He changed and was no longer Yaakov, but a man blessed and with an additional role.

And he said, "Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, because you have commanding power with [an angel of] God and with men, and you have prevailed (Beresheit 32:29)."

After all that long journey there was no going back to who he had been before. No now he was a changed person, one stronger and better than before.

So…we build ourselves up-emotionally, physically, spiritually- we ask for help from our Creator Above.

May we have the strength to overcome each battle swiftly and let the blessing be quickly revealed.

Shabbat Shalom, With blessings,

Elana