Healthy Boundaries

Maybe she should just work on herself some more? If only she could be stronger or less sensitive, maybe, just maybe it wouldn’t bother her. After all, it’s not that this person is “bad”. “Really,” she says to herself, “Who am I to judge? Doesn’t it say, “For He (God) knows the secrets of the heart (Tehillim 44:22).”

That’s right. God, is the only one who knows or understands what is behind this person’s motivation. Life is hard. People have challenges and tests that influence their behavior. “How would she act in their shoes?” She questions. “Any better?” She has no idea.

At first she tries. She really tries. To be “strong”. To speak with the person and be around the person and to tell herself not to care. She tries to convince herself that she needs to “suck it up.” She needs to be a better person. Again, this isn’t a “bad” person. Maybe it is a person difficult to be around. A person without tact or a person with an emotional or mental disorder. Or maybe it’s a person who knows exactly her trigger, her weak spots. It could also just be a person who for whatever reason brings out the worst in her.

This turns over and over in her head.

She wants to be a good person. A kind person. A compassionate person.

But it seems she forgot.

What?

That’s she’s human. That as much as she needs to be good and kind and compassionate to them, she needs to be good and kind and compassionate to herself. Afterall, isn’t she too human? Isn’t she too a one of God’s children?

What should she do?

And Abram said to Lot, "Please let there be no quarrel between me and between you and between my herdsmen and between your herdsmen, for we are kinsmen. Is not all the land before you? Please part from me; if [you go] left, I will go right, and if [you go] right, I will go left (Bereishit 13:8-9)."

Yes, what should she do? What must she do?

Put up firm boundaries.

Remember, it’s not that the other is a bad person. But she realizes that the other person is bad for her and the best way that she can show compassion and give respect is actually by distancing herself from her. This is actually what it means to be strong.

It seems contradictory, but it’s not.

It seems like she’s running away from her or trying to avoid her, but she’s not.

She’s just protecting herself and protecting the other one as well that she shouldn’t feel any emotional negativity towards her. That she shouldn’t disrespect or be angered by her. She is self-aware. She has clarity and sticks to her values. She knows that she has limitations and needs to set up healthy boundaries. It’s the best act of kindness that she can do.

So she, like Avraham, doesn’t attack her or push her away. She just allows her to go one way and she goes the other. Afterall, this might be her relative, someone she was close with or someone she shared experiences with. Afterall, she does love her.

May we be blessed with clarity and the strength to make healthy boundaries. To know when showing love is by staying and when it is by walking the other way.

Shabbat Shalom,

Elana