Road to Freedom
This is dedicated to the loving memory of my mother-in-law, Sra Frida Ferdose bat Rivka a’h. Tonight is her yertzeit. I miss her physical presence so much! My consolation, knowing her spirit is always with us. May these words of Torah bring strength to those who read it and may that be an elevation to her beautiful soul.
She looks up and the roof is leaking. She looks down and there are puddles on the floor. Why is she surprised? Did she really thing the leak would magically disappear? The landlord won’t fix anything and the neighbors won’t take responsibility either. She complains and she’s annoyed. In her moment of frustration she declares, “Enough! We’re moving!”
The rains pass and for lack of energy, lack of time, lack of…will. The roof is dry, and they stay until again it rains and the cycle repeats itself. Over and over.
***
She feels so low. She’s depressed. She’s in pain. She cries out, “Enough with this!” I won’t do it again! She stops and then she feels a bit better. Instead of relinquishing control, submitting to her helplessness, and abstaining she says, “This time I won’t fall. I’m going to give it another try.” She returns to her addiction and falls flat on her face. Who does she really think that she is fooling?
***
She can’t let go-of the anger or the jealousy. She can’t admit that she’s helpless to the emotion that rules her life, the emotion that rules her actions. In a moment of desperation she says she’ll change, but the moment passes and once again it controls her life.
***
She waits for him to change or for the situation to change and then, then she tells herself she’ll be happy. She’s in denial. She has no control over him or that. She’s helpless, but she’s not powerless. Helpless to control him, but with the power to separate her emotions from their actions. Power to choose that her happiness isn’t contingent upon this or that, not him or her. She has power, but she doesn’t see it. She lives in denial thinking her power comes from control when in fact it’s just the opposite. For this she pays a heavy price.
Thereupon, Pharaoh summoned Moses and Aaron, and said, "Entreat the Lord that He remove the frogs from me and from my people, and I will let out the people [of Israel] so that they may sacrifice to the Lord."… When Pharaoh saw that there was relief, he hardened his heart, and he did not hearken to them, as the Lord had spoken (Shemot 8:4-11).
Thereupon, Pharaoh summoned Moses and Aaron, and he said, "Go, sacrifice to your God in the land."... And the Lord did according to Moses' word, and He removed the mixture of noxious creatures from Pharaoh, from his servants, and from his people; not one was left. But Pharaoh hardened his heart this time also, and he did not let the people go (ibid 8:21-28).
And it happens over and over again.
Patterns, habits, addictions, codependency on people and a slave to emotions. She’s thinks that she is the master, but she’s really the slave.
She looks up at the leaking roof and she runs to get a piece of paper. She writes, “Hashem! Help me not be scared of… moving, packing, the work of starting anew… Help me find the energy, the will, the desire… Help me break free from these habits, these patterns, these addictions…”
She wants to be a master, but instead she’s a slave, until the day comes of true freedom when she relinquishes full control. Helpless, but not powerless. There are things she has no control over and others which she must take responsibility. It’s the only road to freedom. The question is, is she willing to try? Are you? Am I?
May we merit the road to freedom.
Shabbat Shalom,
With blessings,
Elana