Jail
She reaches for the piece of cake, anything sweet, to bring her relief and fill the emptiness. To take some of the pain and the weight off her shoulders. She eats it, feels hopeful for a moment. A moment later she feels worse than she did before.
She explodes in a fit of anger. She yells, she screams. In the moment she feels better and then the moment passes and she feels worse than she did before. Nothing changed, not his behavior, not her indifference. Over them, yell as she might, she has no control.
She feels small and helpless and out of control.
She is.
She grasps for anything, something. What can make her feel better? What can bring her relief?
She’s trapped. Imprisoned. She’s confined by bad habits.
She’s incarcerated by negative beliefs.
So Joseph's master took him and put him into prison, the place where the king's prisoners were imprisoned, and he was there in the prison (Beresheit 39:.
She’s looks outside for the answers.
But remember me when things go well with you, and please do me a favor and mention me to Pharaoh, and you will get me out of this house….But the chief cupbearer did not remember Joseph, and he forgot him (ibid 40:14;23).
and he forgot him: afterwards. Because Joseph relied on him to remember him, he was compelled to be confined for two years, as it is said:“Praiseworthy is the man who made the Lord his trust and did not turn to the haughty (רְהָבִים)” (Ps. 40:5). He did not turn to the Egyptians, who are called רַהַב, haughty. [From Gen. Rabbah 89:3]-Rashi
Yes, she looks outside for the answers. She looks for something, someone to fill the whole. And yet, she’s still empty. Still in pain. Still imprisoned.
Until the day that she realizes that the answer comes from within not from without. The answer comes with relinquishing control. The answer comes with turning to Hashem in times of troubles and sorrow.
“Does this mean that I can’t have a piece of chocolate?” She asks me.
“It depends.
Is the chocolate for pleasure, for enjoyment? You recognize this, and you make a choice to have it. You control it. Or is it an escape that controls you?”
“Does this mean that I can never get angry?” She asks me.
“You can feel angry, but the question is what do you do with that anger? How do you let it go? Emotions are permitted, actions maybe are not.”
“Does this mean that I shouldn’t do anything? Not take any action? How can I just sit with my hands tied and not try to solve the problem?”
“You can do something, but it depends on if you think you are in control. Is the something that you do an act to control the outcome? Or can you let go? Can you act and surrender to Hashem what will be in the end?
She feels so helpless and small, so out of control.
She is. And it’s okay. It’s actually liberating. She works internally to feel good and takes pleasure in being in the Hands of Hashem.
May we be blessed with the freedom of relinquishing control. May we turn inside to find the answers. May we be blessed with the clarity to turn to Hashem.
Shabbat Shalom!
Elana