All or Nothing?
She feels guilty she tells me. She didn’t do anything that I advised her to do during the week. No steps taken in making her body a vessel for health or fertility. When I ask her why she answers, “With me it’s either all or nothing. I couldn’t do it all, so I didn’t do anything.”
I’m surprised because I explicitly told her last week that anything was better than nothing.
“You see I’m a perfectionist,” she explains.
I raise my eyebrows at this excuse. I’ve heard it one too many times. Saying, “I’m a perfectionist,” is a nice way of saying, “I don’t have the energy or the strength.” Or in other words, “I’m afraid of failing.”
It’s a good thing that the only One/Thing perfect is God. That means we can take one step forward or ten, it doesn’t matter as long as we try.
“Perfectionism-שלמות -shleimut is a price too high to pay- שלם-shalem,” I tell her. “You’ll end up hurting yourself or those around you with such expectations. It’s not all or nothing. Do what you feel you can handle, no more, but no less. You aren’t in charge of the outcome. The results are in Hashem’s Hands. So, there’s no reason to be afraid of it not working or failing.”
She cried as she shook her head in agreement.
Now the Lord appeared to him in the plains of Mamre, and he was sitting at the entrance of the tent when the day was hot (Beresheit 18:1).
was sitting: It is written יֹשַׁב [without a “vav,” and may therefore be read: “he sat”]. He wished to stand. The Holy One, blessed be He, said to him, “Sit and I will stand, and you will be a sign for your children that I am destined to stand in the congregation of the judges, and they will sit,” as it is said (Ps. 82: 1): “God stands in the Divine assembly.” - [from Gen. Rabbah 48:7]-Rashi
He wanted to stand, but he couldn’t and so he sat. Not perfect. Not all or nothing. After all, it was hot! Does the Holy One, blessed be He, blame him? No, He rewards him!
It’s all about effort, for some a little bit for others a lot. Do what you can and don’t get stuck with the evil inclination telling you that you must be perfect to do anything at all.
at the entrance of the tent: to see whether there were any passersby whom he would bring into his house. — [from B. M. 86b]-Rashi
“Avraham, what in the world are you doing? Don’t you see that it’s hot and that you’re in the middle of nowhere? Who do you think will actually come?”
Maybe no one. Maybe someone. He understood that the results were not in his hands. He did what he could with what he had and…
when the day was hot: (B.M. 86b) The Holy One, blessed be He, took the sun out of its sheath so as not to trouble him with wayfarers, but since He saw that he was troubled that no wayfarers were coming, He brought the angels to him in the likeness of men. — [from Gen. Rabbah 48:9, Exod. Rabbah 25:2] -Rashi
And he lifted his eyes and saw, and behold, three men were standing beside him, and he saw and he ran toward them from the entrance of the tent, and he prostrated himself to the ground (ibid 18:2).
…and he was rewarded.
***
She keeps coming back. To the same problem, the same pain, the same hurt, the same resentment. She can talk about it as much as she likes. She can replay the episode over and over. She can go back to the same abusive situation or person. Yes, it’s a choice, she can. She does. And she wonders why she can’t heal or go forward.
And it came to pass, when they took them outside, that he said, "Flee for your life, do not look behind you, and do not stand in the entire plain. Flee to the mountain, lest you perish."… And his wife looked from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt (ibid 19:17-26).
She can’t heal because she’s always looking back or turning back to the same destruction. And so she’s frozen, she’s stuck, like a pillar of salt. She’s not moving.
She’s given golden opportunities, ways of escape and recovery. “Flee for your life!” They tell her, messengers from God, who try to help her and even hold onto her hand. “It’s enough already. Make a choice to go on and don’t look back. Continue forward.”
If only she’ll choose to look forward, choose to live life.
***
May we be blessed to do whatever we can and merit to see the reward of our efforts knowing that the results are not in our hands. May we try even if it looks like we’ll “fail”. May we be blessed with the peace of mind that comes with accepting our imperfections and not have to pay the high price of unrealistic expectations. May we go forward and choose to leave destructive patterns behind.
Shabbat Shalom,
Elana