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May these words be for the refuah shleima, complete and full recovery of Chaya Rivka bas Miriam amongst kol cholei shel Am Yisrael.
The list of all the mistakes she made and all the times when she wishes she had done it differently. The lists of all her imperfections. She lists and lists. Thoughts overwhelm her and seem to confirm her self-perception of worthlessness and shame. She allows herself to get caught up in negative feelings of despair and lacks the clarity to put things into proportion or perspective.
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She brings it up over and over again. It’s almost like she thinks if she brings it up enough times, they’ll listen. Unfortunately, the broken record only irritates the ears of her listeners until they finally turn her off.
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He says it’s hot. She adds, “No it’s very hot.” He suggests something. She questions it. He does something. She criticizes it. Everything is taken apart and examined. Everything is criticized or commented about. But what is so sad, is that she doesn’t, didn’t, even realize it. She does it with the best intentions and in naivety. She does it thinking that her way is the right way or the only way. Or maybe she does it because of her own vulnerability, her own insecurity. She does it out of habit. She does it so often and so automatically that she doesn’t realize she’s pushing him away, far away.
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Trauma. She suffered trauma. She doesn’t understand why after so much therapy she can’t release the trauma. She brings it up over and over and over. Each detail is discussed and analyzed. She feels like a hamster running around and around in a wheel, going nowhere. The pain and hurt come back to haunt her. She can’t let go.
I’m not an expert in this field and I know that there is so much to it. I can’t help thinking though that her constant analyzation causes her to relive it instead of letting it go? Will holding onto it justify her pain? Will talking about it a hundred times make her feel better?
Not that she should try to erase it or put it under the carpet either. Because erasing it would be to rob her of the greatness she possesses in all that she went through and in all that she took from this experience to grow. Ignoring it would be to deny herself the chance of growing from it and preventing it from happening again, to herself or to others. Instead of trying to erase it, maybe there’s a way just to accept it, learn from it, understand that it’s a part of her? A part of her being and the greatness that she can become because of it, not in spite of it?
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So what am I trying to say by bringing up all these examples?
These are the words which Moses spoke to all Israel on that side of the Jordan in the desert, in the plain opposite the Red Sea, between Paran and Tofel and Lavan and Hazeroth and Di Zahav (Devarim 1:1).
These are the words: Since these are words of rebuke and he [Moses] enumerates here all the places where they angered the Omnipresent, therefore it makes no explicit mention of the incidents [in which they transgressed], but rather merely alludes to them, [by mentioning the names of the places] out of respect for Israel (cf. Sifrei).-Rashi
What am I trying to say?
That I’m learning in life that I don’t have to bring everything up. I don’t have to point out every negative action or mistake (even about myself). Not everything has to be a discussion. Respect is more important than getting things off my chest. Better to keep things short and to the point then have the other person turn away or get lost.
It came to pass in the fortieth year, in the eleventh month, on the first of the month, that Moses spoke to the children of Israel according to all that the Lord had commanded him regarding them…(ibid 1:3)
And it came to pass in the fortieth year, in the eleventh month, on the first of the month [… Moses spoke]: This teaches us that he rebuked them only a short while before his death…-Rashi
That’s right. One time is more effective than a hundred times. Too much talking and too much thinking, usually gets me nowhere, or in a worse place than I started.
And the lesson Hashem keeps giving me over and over again…I’m not in control, so let go! I know that it takes a lot of faith to do this. But maybe that’s where one must put their effort?
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Reflections before Tisha b’Av…
May this year be the year of building and turning days of fasting and sorrow into ones of celebration and joy.
Shabbat Shalom,
Elana