Tips for Being a Leader

I try to hold myself back. It’s hard. I’m telling you it’s difficult. I want to fix every problem. I love giving advice. After all, don’t I know so much? Aren’t I wiser or more experienced or older? I climbed so many mountains and fell off so many cliffs that I could save them pain, energy, time. I tell them what I think they should do because, really why should they suffer?

Then it becomes clear as I get older and see that much to my dismay I’m not wiser.

Each person has a path. A road that only they can travel and ultimately, they must travel on it alone. Sometimes their path is to seek out a guide or help. I encourage this if the desire comes from within. And sometimes it’s to stubble and fall for we’ve seen time and time again that this is what brings growth.

You learn general rules and basics about life and the way of the world. You read many books and acquire tools and skills and again you return to the same thing. Which is… Each person has their own path. A unique road of stumbling and getting back up.

The woman who came to me last night she wants to know why she is overdue.

The woman who came to me this morning wants to know why she, lo aleinu, lost her pregnancy.

One gives birth too early and looks for explanations.

One wonders why this person came into her life.

One looks for answers about a loss or disappointment.

And I’m not saying not to look for answers. Really, go ahead and investigate and question and seek advice. We have an obligation to take care of ourselves and our physical and emotional and spiritual well-being. Try, make an effort, to do what seems logical and correct. But there is something fundamental called acceptance. Acceptance of what?

Acceptance of that each person has their own path and their own way of doing things. Acceptance that this had to happen to me for a reason. Acceptance that this person was put into my life for a reason. Acceptance that nothing is accidental or coincidental. Acceptance that I can’t control anyone or any outcome. There’s a path within a network of many roads and the one in charge of the transportation department isn’t me and it isn’t you, it’s God.

"Let the Lord, the God of spirits of all flesh, appoint a man over the congregation (Bamidbar 27:16)…”

God of the spirits: Why is this said? He said to Him, “Master of the universe, the character of each person is revealed to you, and no two are alike. Appoint over them a leader who will tolerate each person according to his individual character.”- [Mid. Tanchuma Pinchas 10]-Rashi

That means your spouse has his way of doing things and it’s not your mission to change him.

That means your child has her way of doing things and it’s not your mission to change or her.

We’re not here to fix everyone else’s problem. As a mother and a wife and a daughter and a sister, as a healer and a teacher and a friend this is for sure one of my challenges and tests…So what to do if I want to be a leader or a good mother or good wife or good friend?

Appoint over them a leader who will tolerate each person according to his individual character.”-Rashi

It’s coming from the great sage Rashi, not from me.

Tolerate each person according to their individual character.

…who will go forth before them and come before them, who will lead them out and bring them in, so that the congregation of the Lord will not be like sheep without a shepherd (ibid 27:17)."

who will lead them out: through his merits. - [Sifrei Pinchas 23]

and bring them in: through his merits. - [Sifrei Pinchas 23]

Work on myself and my own deeds-not theirs. Strive to be a good listener. It’s hard work! Can I do it? Can you? Yes, why not? With awareness, desire, and above all, help from Hashem anything and everything is possible.

***

Everything was planned perfectly, but you know how it goes, nothing goes according to plan.

She tried. She put in a tremendous amount of effort. She wanted to create good memories and what happened? All they did was fight and bicker. It would have been better if they stayed home.

She buys all the ingredients and wants to surprise her kids. She’s unprepared for their reaction. Either they’re not in the mood or they’re not hungry. “It doesn’t taste good,” they tell her. Or they don’t even want to try.

She expects praise, receives complaint and feels terrible disappointment.

She works on herself. She builds herself up. Suddenly it becomes clear.

She can try her best and she should try her best to be her best, but she can’t control anyone else, let alone their reactions, their happiness, or the outcome.

She needs to let go a bit, relax, put aside any expectations and be proud of herself for doing the best that she can.

She needs to work on being happy with her role.

And this is why Hashem told Moses…

"Take for yourself Joshua the son of Nun, a man of spirit, and you shall lay your hand upon him.

Take for yourself: Encourage him verbally, [and say,] “Fortunate are you that you have merited to lead the children of the Omnipresent!” - [Sifrei Pinchas 23 on verse 22]

That’s right because sometimes, especially when things are out of control or don’t go according to plan, she forgets. She forgets that she’s fortunate and merited to be who she is and with all the responsibilities that God gave her.

***

It’s the summer and the tests and trials are numerous. Just to make it through the day, the day that seems to never end. “Stay focused,” I tell myself. “Don’t get discouraged or despair! Remember you were made for this. You can do this.”

Each of you knows what I am talking about. Each of you will hear, God willing, what you need to hear.

Shabbat shalom. With blessings,

Elana