Powerful Prayer

I wake up, or I should say, I get up out of bed because I haven’t slept enough to call it “waking up”. My home is already in motion. I just want to get to the kitchen to drink a cup of water and make myself a coffee. I’m stopped on the way.

The baby is crying. The toddler is screaming. The two above them are fighting and the oldest one is asking me where something is (that he put away).

I have a moment of pure panic. I feel like I’m about to lose it. How am I going to get through this? What tools? What techniques can I pull out of my pocket, the ones that fly away in the heat of the moment when I need them most.

It’s not just motherhood that I’m talking about. It’s any situation where you feel like you have your hands so full and that you just simply can’t handle it. I’ve seen it in with so many women in different areas of their lives.

It’s any situation where you feel like there’s a flooding of too much. Too much information, too much uncertainty, too much unknown, too much to do. You want to rise above it, but how?

I close my eyes and I put all my focus and energy into just one thing. I pray. Yes, in this moment I look up and I pray, for an instant, I don’t have time for more. I pray that Hashem will help me ride this wave.

They went up in, the south, and he came to Hebron, and there were Ahiman, Sheshai, and Talmai, the descendants of the giant (Bamidbar 13:22).

and he came to Hebron: Caleb went there alone [hence the singular “he came”] to prostrate himself on the graves of the patriarchs [in prayer] that he not be enticed by his colleagues to be part of their counsel.

It’s an incredibly effective tool. Just to stop what you are doing and take a second and pray.

Prayer is not just about asking to change the situation. It’s not just about asking G-d to give you what you want. It’s also about taking a step back in submission of, “I can’t do this alone.” It’s asking for the basics like asking to have the desire to be calm, not just to be calm. It’s asking for the desire to forgive and move on, not just the ability to do so. It’s asking for the desire to want to change or to accept, not just the motion or the action involved in implementing it. Sometimes we simply need to pray that we can pray!

In that instant I had clarity. This is my takfid (G-d given role), this is what I was created for at this moment. I opened my eyes and nothing changed. The baby was still crying, and the children were still fighting, but from that second of prayer and surrender to Hashem I felt calm and with clarity. I felt strength to handle the situation, strength to stay afloat. This is what I was created for; not to drown, but with His help to ride the wave.

***

You know that feeling of guilt that grips you? Which one? The one that says, “I’m not doing enough. I’m not good enough.” It’s feeling that you are letting someone down or thinking that you are letting someone down.

A client came last week. A lovely woman at the end of her fifth pregnancy. She’s a full-time mother and full-time therapist juggling all her roles. I don’t even know this woman, yet I know her. She’s a giver and she’s a doer. Her husband, he’s also a giver and a doer. She describes him as a real “power house”. They’re used to hosting many, many guests and they both thrive on having an open home.

Recently something changed. She’s exhausted. Do you blame her? Of course not. She has four little children, works and is pregnant. There are no expectations here. At least no outside expectations of the need to host thirty guests, at this time in her life, for Shabbes meals.

That’s why I was a bit taken back when she looked at me with big beautiful eyes filled with tears and she cried that she feels like she’s letting her husband down by being tired. She thinks that she would be letting him down by saying, “No, I can’t.” She wants guests, but she doesn’t want. She’s confused.

The guilt bubbles inside of her. Resentment starts to bubble inside of her. Internally she starts to blame him for being so hard on her. Why doesn’t he know not to ask? Why can’t he understand that she’s too tired? Why not? Maybe because she herself lacks clarity?

I feel like I know her too well, understand her too well.

You see it is not outside expectations that cause her suffering. It’s her unrealistic expectations that cause it. And the source of the problem is not what her husband might possibly think (which I doubt that he does) about her. The source is what she thinks of herself.

They spread an [evil] report about the land which they had scouted, telling the children of Israel, "The land we passed through to explore is a land that consumes its inhabitants, and all the people we saw in it are men of stature. There we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, descended from the giants. In our eyes, we seemed like grasshoppers, and so we were in their eyes (Bamidbar 13:32-33).

Yes, the problem is twofold. First, of lack clarity. If we just had clarity. Clarity. Like in this situation if only this woman had clarity that she can’t host right now and that it’s okay. It’s okay to be human. It’s okay to ask for help and to need it. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to have limitations and weaknesses and to voice them! There are times for saying yes and times for saying no. If she were to have clarity and state it; I almost sure that her husband would not only understand but encourage a quiet Shabbat. But she lacks clarity. She feels guilty and she puts herself down. He for his part doesn’t know, he doesn’t realize. He therefore pushes onward, unaware.

Second, she assumes that the image in which she sees herself is the image seen by others. Again, I doubt it. However, if she were to say it enough or to feel it enough she could cause it to be…

In our eyes, we seemed like grasshoppers, and so we were in their eyes...

So, imagine what she can do by saying or feeling or thinking the opposite?

I tell this beautiful woman that she’s working twenty-four hours housing a soul. She’s allowed to stop and allowed to rest. It’s what is expected, it’s normal. I encourage her to focus inward with strength and with clarity and believe that this will actually bring more internal peace and peace in her home.

If only we could stay focused and have clarity! If only we could see an image of ourselves that is real and not skewed by insecurity!

May we tap into the tool of prayer and may it enable us to stay calm and focused. May we be blessed with those moments of clarity and build ourselves up instead of knock ourselves down.

Shabbat Shalom,

Elana