The Disappointment Factor
The bride calls me disappointed. She doesn’t understand what happened or I should say what isn’t happening.
Where is the love, the passion, the romance that she imagined? Where is the bonding and closeness that she craves?
She tells me that she writes love letters and puts them into his lunch. She receives no response. NO RESPONSE!
The mother calls me disappointed. She tried. She tried so hard to do what the therapist said. She’s giving it her all to this child and yet she feels like she’s getting nowhere. NOWHERE!
The woman calls me frustrated. She’s taking care of herself, eating healthy, even exercising in this intense heat. She complains that nothing has happened and there’s no change. NO CHANGE!
What do I think in my head when I listen to these frustrated souls? What would I want someone to tell me when I know that I’m making the correct effort to get something done, but it just doesn’t move, it isn’t happening?
Two things.
One. Give it TIME.
Speak to Aaron and say to him: "When you light the lamps, the seven lamps shall cast their light toward the face of the menorah (Bamidbar 8:2).”
When you light: Heb. בְּהַעֲלֹתְךָ, lit., when you cause to ascend. Since the flame rises, Scripture describes kindling in terms of ascending. He is required to kindle the lamp until the flame rises by itself (Shab. 21a). – Rashi
Time? Yes, give it time. You need to stand there and be patient. Give it a chance, give it time. Yes, you need to wait with all your strength and with all your faith. Don’t let go of that person or that dream or that holy work that you were designated to do. If you let go and give up on it too soon the light will burn out, but if you have the patience and the faith, with G-d’s help you’ll see the flame rise by itself.
And two?
As my dear friend always tell me, “Elana, LET GO!”
Two is to know that you’re NOT in control. If you go or if you stay. If it works or if it doesn’t, it’s not up to you.
At the bidding of the Lord, the children of Israel traveled, and at the bidding of the Lord, they encamped (Bamidbar 9:18).
That’s right. The Torah is talking to ME. The Torah is talking to you.
***
The child stands there looking inside the refrigerator. Thank G-d on each shelf there’s something. The something is certainly edible food. He closes it in frustration and lets out a loud cry to his mother, “There’s NOTHING to eat.”
The mother for her part just got out of the shower. She goes to her closet and peeks inside. The shirts, blouses, skirts and dresses are numerous. She shakes her head in frustration and declares, “I have NOTHING to wear!”
The child, sitting in a room filled with books and different games, starts to cry in frustration, “I have NOTHING to do.”
The people were looking to complain…(ibid 11:1).
were looking to complain: [The term] מִתְאוֹנְנִים denotes a pretext. -Rashi
Then even the children of Israel once again began to cry, and they said, "Who will feed us meat (ibid 11:4)?
Who will feed us meat?: Did they not have meat? Does it not say, “Also a great mixed multitude went up with them, and flocks and cattle” (Exod. 12:38)? You might argue that they had already eaten them. But when they were about to enter the Land, is it not written that, “the children of Reuben had much cattle” (Num. 32:1)? The answer is that they were seeking a pretext. — [Sifrei Beha’alothecha 1:42:4]-Rashi
The wife married to a wonderful man who looks past the good qualities and focuses on what there isn’t, or what she fantasizes should be there.
We remember the fish that we ate in Egypt free of charge, the cucumbers, the watermelons, the leeks, the onions, and the garlic (ibid 11:5).
which we ate in Egypt free of charge: If you say that the Egyptians gave them fish free of charge, does it not already say, “Straw shall not be given to you” (Exod. 5:18)? Now if straw was not given free of charge, was fish given to them free of charge? So what does “free of charge” mean? Free from [the burden of] precepts. — [Sifrei Beha’alothecha 1:42:5]
Do you recognize any of these scenarios? It could be about friends or a job. You do have, but something holds you back from seeing it. You do have, but something holds you back from appreciating it.
What holds you back? What is the who. The who is me, it’s you…..
There is nothing wrong with wanting, asking for more. The One who gives can certainly give more, but the wanting and asking can’t be without first appreciating. Otherwise it’s just a pretext, merely complaining which only leads to misery.
May we all merit to appreciate what we have so that we enjoy it. May we have the time and the patience to wait until the flame rises on its own. May we relinquish control and understand that we put in effort but know that ultimately, we only move or stay put when He wills it.