JUMP!

I know, I keep bringing it up, but it seems to be a recurring theme in my life. Fear. Last night I went on a birth. Moments before this woman’s fourth baby entered the world she looked into my eyes and cried, “I’m so afraid.”

“I know. It’s okay.” I locked her eyes in mine and gently stroked her cheeks. “It’s okay to be afraid. You can do this. It’s almost over. Hashem is with you.”

She gently pushed with the fear and her baby girl entered the world.

A few hours later, with bags bigger than shopping carts under my eyes, I met with another client who is due to give birth in seven weeks.

Her first two births were quick and pleasant so she says to me, “Is it normal that I’m afraid?”

Normal to be afraid. What a question! I think in life it’s not normal not to be afraid.

What are her fears? She’s actually afraid of the hospital. Of the balagon, of leaving her safe space in her home, with her own birthing rhythm, and entering into a new and foreign territory. Last time she gave birth at home. This time, due to medical reasons, she can’t. She knows intellectually that she’s giving birth in the best place for her baby. She knows that in her head, but in her heart, in her heart she’s afraid.

She’s been taught to be brave. We are all taught that we must be brave and that fighting fear is the best way to deal with it. She keeps trying to use her intellect to fight the fear. I come to tell her something else…

“It’s okay to be afraid!” You see you a woman tries to relax and find faith by fighting fear and her body only tenses up tighter. Instead I tell her. “Relinquish to the fear. Don’t fight it, go with it.” You see the very same fear, when we just go with it, actually helps open us up to Divine blessing and endless possibilities. “You’ll walk into the hospital and it might be very busy and full of strange sounds and strange sights and for a moment it might be overwhelming and that’s okay. Then you see yourself relinquishing control, going with the situation, and you keep walking calmly up to the maternity ward where you will, G-d willing, give birth to a healthy baby.”

A new concept, this idea of relinquishing instead of fighting. Or maybe it’s not so new….

So God led the people around [by] way of the desert [to] the Red Sea, and the children of Israel were armed when they went up out of Egypt (Shemot 13:18).

Pharaoh drew near, and the children of Israel lifted up their eyes, and behold! the Egyptians were advancing after them. They were very frightened, and the children of Israel cried out to the Lord. (ibid 14:10)

The Lord said to Moses, ‘Why do you cry out to Me? Speak to the children of Israel and let them travel. And you raise your staff and stretch out your hand over the sea and split it, and the children of Israel shall come in the midst of the sea on dry land’….And Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and the Lord led the sea with the strong east wind all night, and He made the sea into dry land and the waters split. Then the children of Israel came into the midst of the sea on dry land, and the waters were to them as a wall from their right and from their left (ibid 14:15-22).

That’s right, when Israel left Egypt they were armed. G-d could have told them, “Turn around and fight! I will strengthen you and you’ll win!” He did do that in future wars where the few weak prevailed over mighty warriors. But not here, not in the forming of our Nation, in the forming of our faith. Here G-d didn’t tell us to fight. Here He told us to…to jump! To go forward, to relinquish to those fears and have complete and total trust in His salvation.

The woman who says she’s afraid to get married. I understand. It’s okay.

The one who tells me that they are afraid to change jobs or schools or location. I understand. It’s okay.

The one who tells me she’s afraid to have a baby, or to be a mother, or to take on more responsibility. I understand. It’s okay.

It’s okay to be afraid. You raise your eyes up to the Heavens and you say, “I’m going forward with this, but G-d, You and You alone, help me!”

That’s right. What should we do in these situations of doubt and fear? What do we do? Sometimes, we just have to jump. Because you’ll never be a hundred percent ready and nothing will ever be a hundred percent perfect. Sometimes you can’t do battle, you have to bow your head to the tide and ride the waves. You go forward into a sea of faith and by doing so you’ll find yourself at the other side, on safe, dry land.

***

I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I’m startled. Is that me? I look so tired and old! I look at myself and I hear an outsider’s voice that tells to me, “You look terrible!” My reaction, it’s almost automatic. I want to complain. I want to say, “I’m sooo tired.” Yes, I want to complain. It’s hard not to.

How many times throughout the day do I want to complain? A lot! What about you? And then I stop and for a second a memory flashes in front of my eyes to many years ago when I lived in a different city.

The women in the community where I lived of this city had beautiful manicured hands. There was one woman that I remember. Her hands were distinct. They were dry and chapped. Hands that did hard work and looked many years older than they actually were. How I admired this woman’s hands! Why? Because they were hands always busy doing good deeds and acts of kindness.

They were hands that went to strangers’ homes to help them make their kitchens kosher. Hands that cooked and chopped and baked and cleaned when really, she didn’t have to. She could have gotten ‘someone else to do it’ as many others do. These were hands that I knew were worth far more than millions in diamonds or gold.

As the memory flashes before me I look again into the mirror and yes I see a tired lady, but I smile at that reflection and I’m strengthened with understanding when I think of the verse in Mishlei. “Charm is false and beauty is futile; a God-fearing woman is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and her deeds will praise her in the gates (31:30-31).” And I realize that after 120 years I’m not even taking my socks with me, let alone beautifully manicured hands. But what will come with me? The reasons for those tired eyes, varicose veins and wrinkles.

They came to Marah, but they could not drink water from Marah because they were bitter; therefore, it was named Marah. The people complained against Moses…

Do not read it as they as in the waters, but they as in the people were bitter…..Baal Shem Tov

That’s right, the waters weren’t bitter, they were bitter and what happens when we’re bitter? We complain. We complain and it makes us more bitter. We’re tired and rightfully so. We’re overwhelmed and have way too much on our plates. Plates that are way too big and heavy to hold. And we complain and complain and complain and we don’t see that these plates are actually made of gold.

So you take a step back and you say, “Wow, thank G-d, I’m so tired! Look how much I did today!” And maybe you need to lie down and rest. You need to take care of yourself. But don’t forget that with a change of outlook the waters turn from bitter to sweet. You realize that you’re tired and that it’s a blessing. You don’t have what you want and that too is a blessing. You have what you don’t want and that too is a blessing. You’re busy and it’s a blessing. You’re tired because you’re doing acts of kindness all day? You’re tired because you’re doing holy work? Imagine the tremendous blessing in that! What a shame that you yourself, that I, don’t truly appreciate it. It’s challenging and the more the challenge, fundamental is the belief that the greater the reward.

May we merit to turn the bitter into sweet! May we plunge forward and push on in faith, relinquishing control to Hashem. May we see the greatness in doing and do

with joy.

This is written for the refuah shleima of Elimelech David ben Chaya Bayla b'toch kol cholei shel am yisrael

Shabbat Shalom!

With blessings and joy,