Groping in Darkness
This is written for the refuah shleima of Elimelech David ben Chaya Bayla b'toch kol cholei shel am yisrael
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This woman, she feels like she’s groping in darkness and she is. Over and over she asks, “Why can’t you just understand?” But he can’t and the more she wants him to and reaches out to pull him into her cloud of darkness the further he goes from her.
“Leave him alone!” I tell her.
“But I’m in so much pain and I need for him to understand. He wants to understand.”
“Of course he wants to. He’s a good person, but he can’t. You are only getting more and more frustrated. He is only getting more and more frustrated. Leave him alone.”
You see this woman has suffered a loss that is so big and so profound. Maybe, maybe someone in the exact same situation could understand or relate to her sorrow. But he, he can’t and she expects him to and it’s not fair. And so she gropes around in darkness that gets thicker and blacker with each passing day.
Again she comes back to me, “Leave him alone? Not talk to him about this?”
“That’s right. Stop fumbling in the dark for an external source of light that isn’t even there! Look inside of yourself and find your own holy light.”
So Moses stretched forth his hand toward the heavens, and there was thick darkness over the entire land of Egypt for three days. No man could see his brother, and no one rose from his place for three days, but for all the children of Israel there was light in their dwellings (Shemot 10: 22-23).
That’s right, no man could see his brother. No one can truly understand what you are going through or how you are feeling. The feeling of loneliness is one of the hardest, darkest. A person might feel for you, but not get you. A person might understand you, but not know how to help you. What can you do? You increase your own light. You will forever be in darkness, forever feeling hopeless and stuck unless you tap into your own light, your own happiness, your own satisfaction.
How?
A mitzvah (commandment) is a candle and the Torah is light (Mishlei 6:23)
That’s right, by doing (not just philosophizing about faith and the idea of believing). You have to do something. One candle lights another. It could be small and “easy” or it could be difficult. You take something upon yourself to do. You do and you surround yourself as much as you can with Torah for Torah is light. You connect to your soul and you tell yourself over and over, nothing, no one has power over me. No one can extinguish my godliness, no one can extinguish my soul, my light.
***
I smile to myself by the question. A question I’ve been asked many times before. I myself asked the question. “When do you think I’ll give birth?” I never have an answer. Nobody does! It will be when, when G-d will’s it. That’s right. Even for the woman who called me on Thursday that she was in the hospital waiting for an almost certain induction. I went to her on Friday before Shabbat to see what I could do to naturally move her birth along and I just found out that the baby made his appearance late Sunday night.
There are questions like pregnancy, birth and marriage. When will it come? When will he come? Questions about health that we should never have to ask like, “How much time?” Doctors tell you six months and three years later the person thank G-d she’s alive. Another thinks that they will live forever and suddenly they are gone from this world.
Then there are little questions like, “How long will it take me to get there?” To get where? Wherever. Waze might tell you twenty minutes and it takes you twenty-five. When will we get there? When we get there! You started making dinner at six thinking that no one would want to eat until seven and instead they were complaining of hunger ready by six-thirty. “When will dinner be ready?” It will be ready when it’s ready.
Moses said, "So said the Lord, At about midnight (the dividing point of the night), I will go out into the midst of Egypt…(ibid 11:4)
At the dividing point of the night: Heb. כַּחֲצֹתהַלַיְלָה….Our Rabbis, however, interpreted it like כַּחֲצִי הַלַיְלָה, at about midnight [lit., half the night], and they said that Moses said כַּחִצֹת, about midnight, meaning near it [midnight], either before it or after it, but he did not say בַּחֲצֹת, at midnight, lest Pharaoh’s astrologers err and [then] say, “Moses is a liar,” but the Holy One, blessed be He, Who knows His times and His seconds, said בַּחִצוֹת, at midnight. — [from Ber. 3b] Rashi
It came to pass at midnight…(ibid 12:29)
That’s right really, we don’t know when. When will it come? When will my salvation come? The about wasn’t just for Pharaoh, it was for us. We’re being tested. Do we have faith that it will come? Even if it doesn’t come at the exact moment that we wanted or thought? Can we see though that when it does come it’s at the precise most exact time that the Ribbon Shel Olam (Master of the Universe) wills it? Can we understand and truly believe, not just with our intellect, but with our heart that His timing is always perfect. That only He and He alone knows when, and that yes, it will come.
***
May we never feel like we are paralyzed in darkness and have the ability to tap into our inherent holy light. May we be blessed with patience, flexibility and faith to know that everything comes when it is supposed to.
With blessings,
Elana