The Keys to Happiness: Clarity and Acceptance
She invests so much in this child. So much time and energy and she’s exhausted. It’s day after day and she asks herself, “When will I see results to all this effort?” She wishes that she had a magic button that could fast forward time. Fast forward not only to see when, but if…If only she had some reassurance that the hard work was in fact worth it.
How fortunate is the mother, whose child can’t walk and slowly, ever so slowly with therapies, time, dedication and money, she sees before her own eyes that very same child takes his first step.
The first mother, the one above. She’s investing and she’s investing and the change has yet to come. She doesn´t have the story of the second mother who within a few short years (which at the time felt like decades) sees all those seeds sprout and blossom.
Maybe it’s a change in habit, a change in behavior, maybe it’s a physical accomplishment, learning to read. “When will I see results to my efforts? Will they come?”
***
Her heart feels like it’s literally breaking. Treatment after treatment. Her womb remains barren. She cries painful tears of longing and waiting. “Just tell me when and I’ll wait, but I need a guarantee that it will be.”
Now the doctor tells her after so many years that they discovered a different cause for their infertility.
This month, chesdei Hashem (with the grace of G-d), she becomes pregnant. Were all the treatments done before in vain? All that effort, time, energy and money? Did she pump herself up with hormones and medications for nothing? Why didn’t they find out about this cause before? Why wasn’t it handled differently?
***
She calls me crying. It’s her third miscarriage in one and a half years and she can’t take it anymore. She comes and I ask her, which to me is an obvious medical question,
“How’s your thyroid?”
“They never checked it.”
Three miscarriages and her doctor never checked one of the most common causes of early miscarriages?
She checked it and the levels were way too low. Such pain- emotional and physical, such disappointment. Why didn’t they ever check it before?
And then each year for the next three years she called me with a mazel tov (congratulations), news of her birth to a healthy baby. Three babies now in three years. Why not before? I don’t know. Why at this time and not before? Why this amount of effort and not less? Why these seeds seems to sprout and blossom quickly and the others…the others goes through a burial process of rotting first before the sprouting and blossoming comes.
***
“Ribbon shel Olam (Master of the Universe) where’s the magic remote control? Can you fast forward for a moment? Can you give me all the answers and tell me if and when and why? Or at least just tell me, is it all worth it?”
***
And these are the generations (offspring/descendants) of Isaac the son of Abraham; Abraham begot Isaac. And Isaac was forty years old when he took Rebecca the daughter of Bethuel the Aramean of Padan Aram, the sister of Laban the Aramean, to himself for a wife. And Isaac prayed to the Lord opposite his wife because she was barren…(Beresheit 25:19-21).
These are the offspring of Isaac? Wait a minute. But his wife is barren. Which offspring? Where are they?
Now Isaac was sixty years old when she gave birth to them (ibid 25:26).
Where are those offspring? Who are those offspring? What about all those prayers, the energy, the time, the effort? Were they in vain? Or is it that for different people, with different missions, the timing differs? Or maybe the prayers in themselves are the offspring? Yes, could it be that the effort in itself is actually the offspring? Could it be that’s the entire reason why we are here and why we need to keep on doing it?
The glass needs filling. We fill it with tears, drops of prayers, drops of effort, drops of hard work. Who knows which drop was the one, will be the one, to make the water spill over and flood the world with bracha (blessing)?
Wait, I beg you-patience! You will see what happens and the reward in the World of Emes (Truth)- the World to Come…
******
The task is so difficult because she doesn’t know what she wants. She thought she did and when she was begging to have it she had clarity, but now that it’s here, she’s uncertain. Confusion, unhappiness, I would even go so far as to say slight depression. Where do all these emotions come from?
Uncertainty, lack of clarity. The driving forces to shake our emunah (faith), to knock us off the ground and take away our belief and hence sense of tranquility.
And the children struggled- וַיִּתְרֹֽצֲצ֤וּ within her, and she said, "If [it be] so, why am I [like] this? (ibid 25:22)"
Our Rabbis (Gen. Rabbah 63:6) interpreted it [the word וַיִתְרוֹצִצוּ] as an expression of running (רוֹצָה).
Running. That’s right. Running here, running there. I’m in the middle of one thing and I run to the next. I’m in the middle of one thing and this person pulls me here and that thing pulls me there and I’m uncertain and I lack clarity. I’m not happy. What should I be doing in this moment?
And she went to inquire of the Lord (ibid).
What did Rivka do to relieve her of her anguish? She went, she inquired, she asked Hashem (G-d) for it and He gave it to her…clarity. She heard what the situation really was and then, the thing that brings us true joy and strengthens us…what did she do? She accepted the situation for what it was.
The relief that comes with clarity and acceptance.
***
She’s tired. She’s exhausted. She tells me over and over how she’s not herself.
She’s pregnant.
She’s after birth.
She went through surgery.
She can’t find a job. She’s having issues at home. Her elderly father is sick. She’s now forty instead of twenty….
A woman I know who recently went through a divorce, she comes to me with chronic fatigue. What’s wrong?
Why don’t I have energy? Why am I so tired? Why can’t I be like I was before?
She’s raising a child on her own!
And the children struggled- וַיִּתְרֹֽצֲצ֤וּ within her, and she said, "If [it be] so, why am I [like] this? (ibid 25:22)"
If [it be] so: that the pain of pregnancy is so great. why am I [like] this?: [Why did I] desire and pray to conceive?- [From Gen. Rabbah 63:6]
Why am I like this? Rivka, twenty years you waited for this moment and you question why you are so heavy and why you feel so tired and why can’t you climb up stairs without huffing and puffing?
Rivka, are you serious? Do you really not know that you are doing so much and not doing is doing? You are questioning why you are as you are?
What would I tell our beautiful holy Rivka? What do I tell you?
Acceptance! You need acceptance to understand that who you were is not who you are. Circumstances change. Life changes. You are not the same woman as you were before. Please, if anything you are so much better. You’re stronger, wiser, more mature. Your body is not the same-accept it, embrace it. You are not perfect, nor is perfection the goal.
The relief that comes with clarity and acceptance.
***
May we be blessed to plant seeds and have the strength to continue to put in hard work and effort even if we don’t know when those seeds will turn into trees. May we never forget that the work is never in vain, the time for blossoming will one day, G-d willing, come. May we stop running around in confusion. May we be blessed with clarity, understanding. May we accept and be accepting.
This is dedicated to the five holy souls-Kedoshim of Har Nof’s massacre which took place three years ago this week. Rabbi Moshe Twersky z’l, Rabbi Avraham Shmuel Goldberg z’l, Rabbi Kalman Levine z’l, Rabbi Aryeh Kupinsky z’l, and Rabbi Chaim Yechiel Rothman z’l. May these words be an elevation to their pure souls.
Shabbat Shalom,
Elana
