Behind the Mask
She puts on a mask of strength. Her smile, plastered on her face. You would never know the grieving that goes on inside her heart, the tears that in private stream down her face. What my four walls know, no one knows. The four walls reflect the four chambers of her heart and they cry with her in silence. She comes because everyone in her community knows her and I don’t; even though by now I probably know her more than they. So, I’m safe. My walls are safe. Here she lifts her mask and the tears flood forth freely.
This is not the story of one woman or two. At times it’s me and at times it’s you.
She doesn’t want your pity, nor the myriad of blessings and advice that all come from a good place. It’s not that you have to hide your joys, your happy occasions, or your successes, but when you are sharing, have compassion, not pity. Try to be understanding, not judgmental. Tell them the good news first, not last. Invite them to your bris, but don’t have them, the childless couple carry the baby. Invite her to your wedding, but don’t look at her, that single woman and shake your head with disapproval. The widow, accompany her. Give her space and allow her to grieve without telling her to move on. The man who walks with a limp and walker, slow down your pace in gratitude, don’t run to pass him as you sigh with impatience.
Those parents who look like they can´t control their child. You don´t know the package that they are holding nor how much they try. That woman who looks so calm, so relaxed, so carefree and composed, you don´t know how many mountains she´s climbed to get there nor how many times she´s fallen apart inside.
And Sarah died in Kiriath arba, which is Hebron, in the land of Canaan, and Abraham came to eulogize Sarah and to bewail ולבכתה her.
ולבכתה-bewail is written with a small letter, כ to suggest that the full extent of his weeping was kept private. His grief was infinite, but the full measure of his pain was concealed in his heart and privacy of his home. -R’ Hirsch.
Her life isn’t perfect, no matter what it appears. She might be smiling on the outside, which is courageous and takes so much energy, but don’t think that she doesn’t have her moments of pain, her disappointments, her challenges, her insecurities and her fears. At times she wears a mask, we all do. So please remember what we see on the outside is not always a reflection of what is truly going on. I say this to myself, ¨Be compassion, kind and understanding. You have no idea what is really going on inside….¨
***
She shed tears and prayed from the depths of her heart. She begged for it to come and it came. Under the chupah (wedding canopy) she circles her long-awaited chatan (fiancé). She circles and her parents go back to their own journey. Her mother closes her eyes, tears streaming down her face. She remembers, she prays, and she sheds tears.
One test ended, another began. Years passed until this daughter was born. They held her and danced with joy and then the wait began once more. It seems like we are always waiting for something. We’re always in the midst of a test. You make it through one and then something else comes to try to knock you off your feet and you cry, “Ribbon shel Olam (Master of the Universe), isn’t enough enough?
Isn’t enough enough?
Is that why we are here? To reach a point and go no further?
We’re not allowed to seek out difficulties, or to put ourselves in spiritual or physical danger. We pray every day not to be put through a test. But when it comes, what do we do? How should we react?
How did Avraham pass his greatest test? What was his greatest test? Leaving his homeland? Being thrown into a fire? Being asked to sacrifice his son? There were ten of them and he passed them all and then…maybe the greatest test. The test of, “Avraham you passed, you made it, you proved your loyalty and love. Avraham, will you pass the test of…the test to go on.
And Abraham arose from before his dead…And Abraham said to his servant, the elder of his house, who ruled over all that was his, "Please…you shall go to my land and to my birthplace, and you shall take a wife for my son, for Isaac (Beresheit 23:3-24:4).”
Yes, he arose and he started again. He mourned and at the same time he moved on. He lived in the present to make way for the future. He kept going. He kept living. He kept believing. He went on.
***
May we be blessed with kindness, compassion, and understanding. May we never be tested, but when the test does come may we have the faith to know that we are children of Avraham. We’re blessed and he set a precedent. With G-d’s help we arise, we keep going, we move on.
Shabbat Shalom (already!),
Elana
This is dedicated to my grandmother, Chana Lea bas Shmuel Moshe a’h (whose yertzeit was today). May it be an elevation for her soul, the soul of a woman who faced test after test with grace and composure. She kept going, living, believing. She moved on.