Is Life Just a List?
She goes throughout her day with a list. The list, whether it’s mental or physical, she has a list. She checks off each task with a sense of accomplishment. “I did it.” The list. The list of chores. The list of activities. The list of work. The list of calls. Maybe it’s the list of shopping and errands. The list.
She goes throughout her day with a list of obligations. A list of responsibilities. She’s good with her list. The meals, cooked. The clothing, washed. A shirt tucked, a skirt straightened. Quality time with each child.
She prays, she works. She does it. She’s doing it. The list. The list gets shorter. Tomorrow it will be long again.
Then one day she comes home or she wakes up and she realizes. “It’s just a list.
Is it just a list?”
She’s confused. She’s unhappy. She’s exhausted. She feels down, like she can’t handle it anymore, and depressed. She’s disconnected.
Why?
Because she forgot why she’s doing it. The things on her list. The responsibilities, the obligations, she asks herself, “Why am I doing it?”
Is it just a list?
When you have finished tithing all the tithes of your produce in the third year, the year of the tithe, you shall give [them] to the Levite, the stranger, the orphan, and the widow, so that they can eat to satiety in your cities. Then you shall say before the Lord, your God, "I have removed the holy [portion] from the house, and I have also given it to the Levite, the stranger, the orphan, and the widow, according to all Your commandment that You commanded me; I have not transgressed Your commandments, nor have I forgotten [them] (Devarim 26:12-13).
You see she’s doing everything You asked, everything. Every day the lists gets shorter. She accomplishes, she does and she does, but what happened? Where’s the joy? It’s gone. Why? Because she forgot why she’s doing it…and so she wakes up and she remembers. The goal is not to finish the list. The goal is connection. And the list, the list is to enable us to connect.
She has clarity. She has purpose. She’s happy. She says to Hashem, “I labored, I worked. I brought you the first fruits of my hard work. I did as You ask and I didn’t forget why I’m doing it!” She’s not a slave to anyone, not a slave to herself, she remembers she’s an eved Hashem. She has energy to do more. She can go on. She is blessed.
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This woman, the one sitting before me, she does everything by the, “book.” She nurses her baby and wears him. She won’t leave him or put him down. She stays home to attend and take care of him. She smiles at him and plays with him. Everything by the book. So then why is she so unhappy? Why is she confused and depressed?
She comes to me for support, for advice because she knows that something is off. Something is missing. Yes, why is she so unhappy? She describes to me that she feels like she’s choking, suffocating in her life. She’s trapped. She says this to me while holding that precious, adorable baby, while nursing that precious, adorable baby.
I listen and I realize, this woman, she’s a slave to an ideal. She does everything by the book, the parenting book, the attachment book, the mother of the year book, but these books, they’re just books. I take a deep breath and I ask her,
“Why are you doing this?”
Her eyes widen and she gulps for air and then she remembers. You see anyways it’s her nature to nurse her baby and to wear him. She actually doesn’t want to go out and leave him. She really does enjoy being with him and attending to him. She just forgot why she was doing it. She got caught up in an ideal of a book and not remembering that this, at this time, at this stage in her life, is her purpose.
And when she does remember. When she can work on herself to see it as what it is-a G-d chosen gift, she feels at peace, she feels blessed.
It’s not enough just to do. Yes, it’s part of it, a huge part of it, but not all of it. Hashem tells us, “Bring me your first fruits, take tithes and give to the poor, but also come to me and tell me, ‘I did not forget! I didn’t forget why I’m doing this. I’m not doing just to do, but it is for a purpose. I have a purpose.’”
And when you do and you remember all the blessing comes.
We get so caught up in our tasks, in our lists, in our fantasies and ideals. We get
so caught up in doing and we do do so much. We then forget why we are doing and the consequences of forgetting are unbearable. We feel sad, disheartened, overwhelmed and depressed. An answer???? To remember. To remember that we are not here to finish the list. The goal is to connect to Hashem. The list enables connection. You remember and feel blessed. You remember and you are blessed.
May we merit all the blessings of these parsha-to serve Hashem with happiness and with gladness of heart. May we always remember why we are doing what we are doing and may this remembrance infuse us with happiness and gladness of heart. May we achieve the goal each minute of the day-Connection!
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Shabbat Shalom! K’tiva v’Chatima Tova
Elana