The Judge

She knew that it came from a good place, but nonetheless it was so painful, so painful. Tears sprung from her eyes as she told me the story. It was so humiliating. Her mother’s friend said it to her mother. The domino effect, her mother said it to her. Of course, it was said out of love and out of desperation.

“You’re not married yet because you are too picky.”

“Too picky.” She repeated to me with tears. She feels isolated and unjustly judged.

***

She knew that they didn’t know, couldn’t know. She knew that the requests were coming from a good place. At least a neutral place. But nonetheless it was so painful, so painful. Tears sprung from her eyes as she told me the story. Yes, she’s only been married for a year. Of course, they didn’t know, couldn’t know.

She just had her fourth miscarriage and her neighbors and peers kept asking her, “Can you please make a meal for …. Family, they just had a baby!”

Her, “No, I’m sorry. I can’t,” fell on deaf ears and she cried to me. She feels isolated and unjustly judged.

***

The woman, standing in front of me by the kotel, she’s not dressed appropriately. It’s painful, yes. But it’s more painful when the woman next to me stomps up to her and screams at the half-dressed, half-not lady, “How can you come here like that!”

I see tears behind the woman’s gigantic retro sunglasses. She feels isolated and unjustly judged. I put a hand on her shoulders. Give her a smile. She smiles back.

I go over to the woman who stomped. I say softly, “You have no idea where that girl is coming from. No idea where is standing. I understand why you did what you did, but that’s not the way…”

***

She brings her mother with her to my class. She’s expecting and it’s boiling hot outside. The mother, she’s coming from a different place. She doesn’t understand.

“How can you people dress with so much clothes in the summer? And don’t you think it’s too much??? Again, she’s expecting! It’s too much!” Now the judging is done in the opposite way. Her daughter lets out a long sigh that says, “Will you ever accept me or understand?” She feels isolated and unjustly judged.

***

I feel like G-d is laughing at me. Really, He must be laughing at me. I give my children junk food that I said, “My children will never eat!” I say, “yes” to things I thought in my youth that I would say “no” and “no” to things that I thought for sure I would say “yes.”

My toddler escaped the other day. He carried a stool to the door. Climbed up onto it. Unlocked the door and escaped, (naked of course) into our apartment building. He was caught in a matter of mere minutes, once we realized that the door was opened, saw the stool, and saw the foot prints. What really tipped us off was the sudden quietness of our home leading us to ask, “Where is Yosef Shalom?”

My neighbor saw my naked son running away. She saw me running after him and gave me a look that said, “Can’t you take care of your child?” Of course, if I was in America someone would have already reported me to the agency for social services. I probably would have reported me! This neighbor of mine, now a grandmother, just stared as she somewhat remembered, but somewhat forgot (hence the look) what it was like to be in my shoes, or house slippers…

“G-d, You are laughing at me? Right? At my foolishness, at those thoughts. The ones where I looked and stared and thought that I knew better. The times I raised my eyebrows and shook my head in dismay. I actually thought that from here I could understand what was happening there and so now you put me there to teach me that I had no right to judge at all. I realize now that maybe if I were there I not only might not have done better, but I actually might have done worse…

"You shall set up judges and law enforcement officials for yourself in all your cities that the Lord, your God, is giving you, for your tribes, and they shall judge the people [with] righteous judgment (Devarim 16:18)."

Judges. G-d tells us to set up judges that shall judge in righteousness. In all your cities, I understand-it’s technical, logical. But why for all the tribes? Can’t we just have one judge in each city? In Jerusalem, a city where both tribes, Benyamin and Yehuda, resided each tribe had to have separate judges? What’s the message here?

It donned on me. You can’t judge righteously unless you understand who you judge-where they are coming from, what their customs are, why they would do what they do. You can’t judge unless you understand what it means to be in their shoes…

May we merit to judge in righteousness or not to judge at all…we me have compassion and understanding for others and for ourselves…May we use this precious month of Elul as a preparation for the “Day of Din (Judgement)” and may HaKadosh Baruch judge us favorably…

Chodesh Tov u MeVorach, Shabbat Shalom!