Seeing the Blessing-Saying No When We Can't and Yes When We Can

I stand in the supermarket line trying to cope. Yes, that’s right, trying to cope. Trying to cope is the phrase that runs through my mind. I’m trying to cope and I keep thinking, “I can’t cope.” I’m standing and the toddler is not standing with me. He runs all over the super wildly. I ask my daughter to take him outside, go to the park, wait for me there. He refuses. He screams and runs away. I hand her the groceries and grab him. Trying to cope.

I want to be anywhere else, but where I am at this moment. But this is where I am and this is where I have to be.

An old woman comes up to the woman behind me in the checkout line.

“You know,” she says. Going from Hebrew to English and

English to Hebrew. “You know that they passed a new law in the Kinneset (Congress/Parliment). Anyone over the age of eighty doesn’t have to wait in line!”

She cuts in front of the woman and now comes up to me, the next one in line. She tells me the same story. I think,

“Why don’t they pass a law in the Knesset that any crazy person who brings children to the supermarket doesn’t have to stand in line?”

I blink at her, still struggling with the toddler. My other children ask me, “Mommy what is she talking about?

"What’s she saying?”

I don’t know.

The old lady goes to the man in front of me and tells him

about this new law in the Knesset. He answers her, “I don’t know about this ‘law’, but I don’t care, l’chavod, go ahead.”

She adds, “I didn’t bring my identity card, but look at my face. I don’t need one! You can see I’m over eighty!” She laughs and throws up her hands (now she is in the front of line). “I love this Nation! G-d bless Israel. It makes me so happy to know that they appreciate someone who is my age!”

The lady behind me shouts, “May we merit to live as long as you!” The entire supermarket answers, “AMEN!” (Only in Israel does this happen.)

Now my toddler, six-year-old son, and 9 ½ year old daughter are staring at the old lady. Silence. No one is being wild. I’m coping. For the moment.

We finally get to the front of the line. I pay and we walk out. I think to myself. Some eighty-year-olds complain about being old. Others see it as a blessing…

“See, I give before you today a blessing or a curse (Devarim 11:26).”

“See” Hashem tells us. How are you going to see it? This situation? This time in your life? How you see it today.

That’s what it is. Are you seeing today as a blessing or as a curse?

You are child and growing and exploring and “carefree”. But you want to be big, big…!!! Is this time, how you see it, a blessing or a curse?

As a young adult, with more privileges, not yet full responsibilities. Hormones, conflicts, those parents of yours that tell you what to do and how to do it. And yet you are still safely in their home. They take care of you, are there to guide you. How do you see it? It’s a blessing or a curse?

The free time as a single. Time to develop and grow. Time to travel and see. Time to take time to…But you worry and you think, “When will I get married? What’s next? When will life really begin?” It’s a blessing or a curse?

The precious time when you are first married. You are discovering each other, how to live together, be together. Walks alone and talks alone. Quiet time. But your mind, it’s already at the next step…when, how, children… Are you enjoying this time? How do you see it? It’s a blessing or a curse?

The aches and the pains of pregnancy and childbirth. Those sleepless nights. The newborn grows so quickly. The stages of the child’s life. You have a hard time. You are tired. The noise, the mess, the work. The birthdays and milestones. The siddur and chumash parties. Bar Mitzvahs and long-awaited weddings. The cuddling and cradling, the hugging and the snuggling. “Will you go to sleep already?” It is a blessing or a curse?

Each stage you go through in your life. I ask you. How do you see it? Is it a blessing or a curse? Even the wild moments at the supermarket will end. At that moment, you thought it was a curse, but in hindsight you look back and you see what a blessing it was. And all those thoughts of, “I can’t cope.” Those thoughts will one day be memories of yester years and you’ll wish that you had it back. And I tell you, what I tell myself, “Elana, it’s up to you. How do you want to see this moment? Today? Is it a blessing or a curse?”

See, I give before you today a blessing or a curse (Devarim 11:26).”

***

My theme of the week, “I can’t cope.”

I’m hearing it.

I’m feeling it.

Here we go again, “I CAN’T COPE!!!”

I think about this and I have to stop writing because it’s after 10 PM and someone is crying.

I go to him. He’s crying because his toe hurts. He doesn’t know why. I don’t know why. I give him a massage and tell him tomorrow I will fix it. He wants my husband to come. Papi goes to him now. I’m (honestly) relieved. I’m so tired. I go back to the computer, to the theme of the week, “I can’t cope.”

I can’t cope and it’s just laundry or food shopping or making, “Mommy, I’m hungry” when we just ate. I can’t cope with the pressure of everyone needing and wanting.

I can’t cope with the expenses, with the lack of time. “One thing at a time Elana, one thing at a time.” I remind myself. One thing at a time.

I can’t cope. I can’t cope with…fill in the blank.

No, with one thing at a time I can. With, this, what Hashem is giving me, with this I can. I can because I have to. Yes, G-d willing I can cope.

I receive calls from strangers and from friends who seek my help, my advice. This one has strange hormonal imbalances, this one is in labor, this one feels anxious and depressed. I try to answer them. I can. This is my chesed (kindness). This, this I can.

Shabbes guests? It will make my children happy. It will make me happy. Okay, sure. Yes, I can. But then the phone rings and it’s three more and all of sudden I feel it and I can’t. I just can’t.

I’m barely able to make dinner for my family. The phone rings, “Can you make a meal for…” I can’t. I just can’t. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that really, really I can’t…

And I realize that each one needs to understand and accept that there are boundaries and that we have limitations. Hashem, Hashem is limitless and when I tap into Him I expand and I grow. But I’m also flesh and blood and I need to accept that He Himself created me with the ability to understand that yes, at times I need to say no.

***

She’s single. She’s older. She’s been a client of mine for years. Every single muscle of her body tells me, “I can’t cope.” She’s out of work. She’s alone, no husband, no children. She feels so sad, so burdened beneath my touch.

Now she tells me that she’s being kicked out of her apartment. She needs to find some place to go and she tells me about a medical problem that they just discovered. Next week she will have a surgery.

I hear her heart screaming out to me, “I CAN’T COPE!”

I thought I can’t cope. How can she?

Then it hits me. I tell her, “One thing at a time. First, first just get through the surgery.”

This you can, that you can’t.

How does a person cope with whatever it is that G-d gives them?

This you can, that you can’t….

These are the animals that you may eat:…(Devarim 14:4)… But you shall not eat of those that chew the cud, or of those that have the split hooves:..(ibid 14:7)

These you may eat of all that are in the waters; all that have fins and scales, you may eat. But whatever does not have fins and scales, you shall not eat; it is unclean for you. You may eat every clean bird. But these are those from which you shall not eat:…(ibid 14:9-12)

First the Torah tells us what we CAN do. Then it tells us what we CAN’T do.

First you tell yourself what, with G-d’s help you can do.

Then you recognize, you acknowledge, what you can’t do-and you don’t do it.

And you shall eat before the Lord, your God, in the place

He chooses to establish His Name therein, the tithes of your grain, your wine, and your oil, and the firstborn of your cattle and of your sheep, so that you may learn to fear the Lord, your God, all the days. And if the way be too long for you, that you are unable to carry it, for the place which the Lord, your God, will choose to establish His Name therein, is too far from you, for the Lord, your God, will bless you. Then you shall turn it into money, and bind up the money in your hand, and you shall go to the place the Lord, your God, will choose. And you shall turn that money into whatever your soul desires; cattle, sheep, new wine or old wine, or whatever your soul desires, and you shall eat there before the Lord, your God, and you shall rejoice, you and your household.

You see, yes the Ribbon shel Olam (Master of the Universe) understands that at times, we just can’t cope. It’s too far, the way is too long, the burden is too heavy. He understands. He wants you to set boundaries. He wants you to grow and to expand, not to break. He wants you to reach out and get help when you need it and reach out and give help when you can. When you can.

One thing at a time.

This you can, that you can’t.

I can’t cope. No, you can. Bezrat Hashem, you can.

May we all be blessed to see the blessing. May we love and accept, be humbled by, our limitations and do when we can to our fullest. May be know when to say no so that we can say yes…

(May Michal bat Tzippora have a refuah shleima -a complete recovery-with all the cholei shel am yisrael.)