Not Doing to Do-Tapping into the Source of Blessing
I listened attentively to her story as my hands worked on her belly. They glided slowly over her womb. Her first two children came easily. Within the first few months of marriage she was expecting her first. Four months after his birth she was expecting her second. Her third pregnancy happened less than six months after that birth, but was an ectopic pregnancy. Some time passed. Nothing happened. More time passed. Nothing happened. The months turned into a year. The year into two. She became very worried. She couldn’t not do anything.
They ran tests and everything came back “normal”. Treatments began out of desperation and they continued. More time passed and she started to panic. They took a break from the doctors and hormones. Two months later she conceived, but then a miscarry. She started fertility treatments once again. One cycle, two cycles, three cycles, four. No pregnancy, no baby, just worry. Herbs, acupuncture, reflexology. Hormones and doctors, running around with so much worry.
I listened and I listened to her story so full of pain and tears and with doing and doing and doing.
How many women tell me, “What I wouldn’t do to have a baby…” I hear that, I feel that, I understand that as the same thoughts ran thru my head so many times throughout the years, “What wouldn’t I do to have a baby, to have another one and another one.” Thoughts that come from emotions and fears.
To this woman in front of me I gently asked her, “Have you thought about not doing?”
“Not doing?”
I stated a fact. “You have two children, conceived four times naturally. You haven’t conceived when doing.”
“But how can I not try?”
After all, wasn’t that why she came to me?
“I’m not saying not to try. But maybe try just being and not doing? Try just by trusting your body? Trusting Hashem? Is there really a limit to what He can do? A limit to what He can give? Address a problem if you have a known one, but if not, do you think you could try and not do?”
My words sink in as I finish the massage and rest her own hands on her belly. She sighs.
And I said to you, "You have come to the mountain of the Amorites, which the Lord, our God, is giving us. Behold, the Lord, your God, has set the land before you; go up and possess it, as the Lord, God of your fathers has spoken to you; you shall neither fear nor be dismayed." And all of you approached me and said, "Let us send men ahead of us so that they will search out the land for us and bring us back word by which route we shall go up, and to which cities we shall come."
And the matter pleased me; so I took twelve men from you, one man for each tribe.
And the matter pleased me: “It pleased me, but it did not please the Omnipresent.” But if it pleased Moses, why does he mention it in his rebukes?
This may be compared to a man who says to his friend, “Sell me this donkey of yours.” He replies to him, “Yes.” “Will you give it to me to test it?” He replies, “Yes.” “May I test it on mountains and hills?” Again he replies, “Yes.” When he sees that his friend does not withhold anything from him, the purchaser thinks to himself, “This man is certain that I shall not find any defect in the donkey,” and he immediately says to him, “Take your money; I need not test it now.” I too, consented to your words, thinking that you would perhaps reconsider when you saw that I do not withhold it from you, but you did not reconsider (Sifrei).
Yes, and so at times all we have to do is just be and receive and yet we can’t because we trick ourselves into thinking that we must do and do and do.
She gets up to leave. She repeats to me, “Really, not to do?”
I smile as I encourage her to do what feels good to her, what will bring her joy and yes, I tell her that in her circumstances I would really would not do, at least not hormonal treatments, anything.
I will not be surprised if this woman calls me in a year’s time to tell me about the birth of a baby.
***
The day is so long, it feels like it’s never ending. I look at the clock and I see that it has only just begun! I’m tired, overwhelmed. I’m confused by my thoughts and emotions. I can’t. I don’t want! These scary thoughts run around in circles in my head. I’m thinking about what I am lacking, what I don’t have. Whether it be time or money or patience.
My mind wanders to the birth that I just went to and the woman whose gaze I held. I wouldn’t let go. I wouldn’t let her let go. “Elana, I can’t!” It was long and painful.
“Yes,” I tell her. “Yes, you can.”
I remember this woman as an older single whose friends were all married when she was alone. I remember this woman as she stood glowing under the chuppah with her chatan. I remember the phone call asking for advice during the first miscarriage and the second one and third. I remember when she reached passed her first trimester of this pregnancy and I remember when she came for labor preparation classes. I remember the last two weeks of us waiting as she passed her due date. It all comes back in a flash. So many obstacles. So many blessings.
She’s tired. “Elana, I can’t!”
“Look into my eyes.” I tell her. “Repeat after me. Bezrat Hashem, with the help of G-d I can!”
We are getting so close to the Geula. As we get closer, there’s more pressure, the pain is more intense. It feels so long and overwhelming. We are so so tired.
Isn’t there a limit to what I can do? Isn’t there a limit to what I can receive? Isn’t there a limit? A limit?
May the Lord God of your forefathers add to you a thousandfold as many as you are, and may He bless you, as He spoke concerning you (Devarim 1:11)!
May… add to you a thousandfold as many as you are: What is [the purpose of] repeating further [in the verse]: “And He will bless you, as He has spoken concerning you?” They [the Israelites] said to him, “Moses, you are limiting our blessings [i.e., our numbers being multiplied only a thousandfold]. The Holy One, blessed is He, already promised to Abraham (Gen. 13:16), 'so that if a man will be able to count [the dust of the earth, so will your seed be counted]!’” [Moses] replied to them: “This [blessing of a thousandfold] is mine, but He will bless you as He spoke concerning you!” (Sifrei)
A limit? There is only a limit if I put the limit. There is only a limit when I don’t realize that HE is the one doing it for me and He, He has no limits.
“Elana, I can’t!”
“With G-d’s help you can!”
“Help me! I can.”
A beautiful baby girl was born.
I return to my morning with all those circles of thoughts and emotions going through my head.
“Elana,” I tell myself, “bezrat Hashem, you can! Don’t let go, keep going, keep trying.”
He can give everything and He wants to give everything. The blessings are so abundant that they can’t be counted.
May we have the clarity to know when to be and not to do, to see the ways of Hashem’s Greatness openly. May we believe in ourselves and tap into the Source of all blessing and goodness and may we merit to see the building of the Beis HaMikdash speedily in our days…