STUCK Complaining in the PAST

I think she came wanting sympathy, but I couldn’t give it to her. Yes, I think that she wanted me to listen to her story and nod as together we point the finger and blame. She wanted me to agree and say, “Yes, it’s so unfair!” Life is unfair and it’s because of this and it’s because of that. It’s because of her and because of him. But I understand that my job isn’t to encourage someone in this no-man’s land direction by nodding my head and smiling, feeding more into her internal strife.

She started to go back and I stopped her.

I stopped her because I too understand this process and I understand that ultimately it gets you nowhere. NOWHERE.

Now, I’m not talking about going there to understand here and how and why we act the way we act so that we can grow from it and change. No, I’m not talking about airing something out or shaking off the dust.

I’m talking about being so so stuck in a cycle of hurt, anger, and blame. I am talking about complaining and complaining and it just doesn’t get you anywhere…

Pharaoh drew near, and the children of Israel lifted up their eyes, and behold! the Egyptians were advancing after them. They were very frightened, and the children of Israel cried out to the Lord. They said to Moses, Is it because there are no graves in Egypt that you have taken us to die in the desert? What is this that you have done to us to take us out of Egypt? (Shemot 14:10-11)

Yes, she wants to complain and complain. This is not praying, this is not crying. So much energy and she doesn’t realize that all this energy is being wasted and yet she keeps on going in this hamster cycle that makes you go around in circles. You get nowhere, not even at a neutral point of where you started off. You’re left exhausted and out of breath, not stronger or better-off. You pick the scar and it bleeds once again.

If you constantly pick and re-open the wound how in the world can it heal? How can you be free if you become a slave to the pain and a slave to the past?

Some scars, some scares will always be there. But they do break down and get softer, smoother. They are a part of you and you can’t erase them away, nor should you. Maybe they even make you stronger, braver, more sensitive to another’s pain or plight? Maybe that very scar acts as a catalyst for growth?

So look at what you are doing and what you keep bringing up. If you find that by looking at it now and after talking and pointing the blame, once again you are frozen in fear or once again you are angry and stuck then…stop!

Yes, stop.

Do one thing today, it can be something small. It doesn’t have to take too much time or too much effort, but do something today that is an act of going forward. An act that grounds you to the present and with G-d’s help it will free you from the hurt.

You will get to a place where you can look behind and to the side and know that it’s pointless to complain. It’s all in the past and in fact it’s the very thing that will, that has, made you great.

***

She gives me this excuse and that of why it won’t work or why it can’t change. She has this problem and that frustration. She feels it coming from all sides.

I tell her to make a list. Write it all down. All the fears and the contradictions of why it can’t or shouldn’t work. She makes the list, then hands it to me and I rip it into tiny pieces.

Now there is nothing left except to do the best that she can and to try.

“You can do it.” I tell her as I make her look me in the eyes.

I know that the words of encouragement help her. Alone, it’s just too hard to even try.

The Jewish people had Moshe Rebbeinu, Miriam, Aharon. They had good leaders, and just as importantly they had one another, yes, each one walking with their own style and tribe, but together they faced the sea and together they saw miracles happen.

Find someone, make it a priority to connect and develop that relationship, that friendship where you know, not just feel, that you are not alone because it could make the difference between being stuck in front of a raging sea or crossing through dry land.

With many blessing and may we always see the miracles in our life and be freed to sing songs of gratitude and release.

Shabbat Shalom,

Elana